to love more and be happy. to feel free inside.
the way has always been truth, i think. and truth, i think, is the closest approximation in language
that can grossly articulate this. and that.
or maybe truth is an utterance. or maybe, truth is nothing.
and most things.
how can i summon the expression of this moment when i am a stirring of longing of undoing of rapture and malaise?
i am leaving and distracting and not knowing and knotted.
i am ideas and fractures and fusing and annihilating and awe. i am fears reborn and forgotten, fraudulence and face.
i am humiliation and comparison and saving and righteousness. i am protecting and decorating and feeding and sleeping. i am wanting and terror, lust and agony, surrender and satisfaction.
i am the blank stare.
i am the tripped up story.
i am the whatever and the now.
i am the guilty and the reborn. i am the one who hears the birds squawking and wants to make a metaphor.
was that a hawk that just flew by my window?
i am chaos and delusion and grandeur and grace.
i am All and i am Everything.
the circle and the line.
no matter what is.
i am the doorway and the door.
i think i understand.
and now i am ready to make breakfast
and move forward with my life.
and so, doorwaystraveler, as it has been, comes to an end, and will soon be taken offline to translate into print.
it has been an honor and a privilege to share this space with you. my world became larger, and thus smaller and more connected, here.
i look forward to meeting you again,
in the white room.
If It Is Not Too Dark
Go for a walk, if it is not too dark.
Get some fresh air, try to smile.
Say something kind
To a safe-looking stranger, if one happens by.
Always exercise your heart’s knowing.
You might as well attempt something real
Along this path:
Take your spouse or lover into your arms
The way you did when you first met.
Let tenderness pour from your eyes
The way the Sun gazes warmly on the earth.
Play a game with some children.
Extend yourself to a friend.
Sing a few ribald songs to your pets and plants –
Why not let them get drunk and wild!
Every rung we’ve climbed on Evolution’s ladder.
Whisper, “I love you! I love you!”
To the whole mad world.
Let’s stop reading about God –
We will never understand Him.
Jump to your feet, wave your fists,
Threaten and warn the whole Universe
That your heart can no longer live
Without real love!
i find myself swimming in darkened water, so dark because the depth is unkown.
the landscape is distant. dry. neutral. surrounding in half-circle.
a bay, an inlet, i suppose.
i am holding this ball of light, balancing it, as i swim the one armed side stroke that lifeguard training
then the light
becomes absorbed, in me, outside of me.
i must get to the shore. a foreboding need. only i am
calm. assured. almost like this is all just
and then there is earth beneath me, only it is
floating. unstable. slips and deepens and rotates and bends
with my weight.
i have to run, paddle, clumsily propel
forward. there is no such thing as balance.
and i arrive. leveraging off that buoyant underwater land mass, reaching
ground. dry. warm dirt sand solid, unmoving moonscape.
i am in white.
i am golden and bronze and strength and air and vertigo.
winded, sitting. beautiful.
and i feel the urge to jump back in.
Stop this day and night with me and you shall possess the origin of all poems.
because there is no map for this. for kindness and compassion and shared sadness and fury.
because hope stands beside surrender. love stands beside letting go.
and so we sat today. the 20th anniversary of our wedding.
because for us, the legal and the logistics were not enough.
we needed to remember the twenty year olds in a jeep. the fumbling and the finding and the motorcycle and the long hair. the silly notes we left on each other’s bicycles and the births of our babies. the years upon years upon years of shared story.
we didn’t have to say it all. we just remembered. and cried.
we talked about sorry and struggle and how hard it is to quit the habit of being with one another. how it might always be instinct to grab the other’s hand. and how maybe that is ok.
we wrote new vows. to honor the memories. to love. to protect. to respect and to care. to always be family.
and then we burned what was. southeast. fire and air.
we walked to the shore, unsteady, each holding the other’s ring. making it all up as we went along,
much like a marriage.
and we couldn’t decide who should count to three. i think he did in the end. maybe it was me.
and where else to go afterward, drained with emotion and aimless and untethered, but for a burrito at Freebird’s, in the college town where we first met. probably the first meal we ever shared more than 25 years ago, before we could even order a beer.
the metaphor lost on us then.
because there is no map for this. for doing it together with kindness and compassion and shared sadness and fury.
because we had a good run. because it evolves but it does not end. because we loved well and we did our best. because we learned a hell of a lot. because we made two extraordinary human beings and they show us every day what we are made of.
because all is now forgiven.
and because love wins. no matter what. even when it has to change.
as a whirlwind
swoops on an oak
Love shakes my heart
go deep with me.
i drown in shallow waters.
the spliced and perfunctory, the stripped
leave me wanting.
deeper and deeper still. show me
hold me, push me, obliterate me
in the name of ecstasy. the divine.
i don’t care what who why when
so long as the now forever start stop prolong being
so long as it
matters imprints awakens
softens allows trusts
fuels and ignites
there is longing, and then there is
And did you get what
you wanted from this life, even so?
And what did you want?
To call myself beloved, to feel myself
beloved on this earth.