Doorways Traveler
Doorways Traveler

archive: March, 2009

Doorways Traveler

hindsight.

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photo of me, taken by my husband

we took a trip to see the wildflowers on the carrizo plains a couple of days ago. in short, it was probably our lowest moment as a road-tripping family. it was shameful. there was whining, yelling, short-tempers and agitation. and it wasn't just the kids. we even had to pull over to "talk". we tried really hard to make the best of it, sort of, but none of us were able to rally our best selves. we were disappointed. it wasn't what we expected. we wanted lush, this was desert. we wanted to frolic in purples and oranges, but there was only yellow. what a lesson in how expectation and emotion can overshadow the perception of what is right in front of us. because now, as i look back at this photo, in hindsight, what i see is breathtakingly beautiful. 
Categories: experiencing

Doorways Traveler

now i become myself.

Ranunculas

i woke up this morning thinking about this poem. it's probably been blog posted a thousand times before (though being new to this whole thing, i haven't seen it). then again, i suppose the good ones are. and it's on my mind today.

             Now I become myself. It's taken 
             Time, many years and places;
             I have been dissolved and shaken,
             Worn other people's faces,
             Run madly, as if Time were there,
             Terribly old, crying a warning,
             "Hurry, you will be dead before—"
             (What? Before you reach the morning?
             Or the end of the poem is clear?
             Or love safe in the walled city?)
             Now to stand still, to be here,
             Feel my own weight and density!
             The black shadow on the paper
             Is my hand; the shadow of a word
             As thought shapes the shaper
             Falls heavy on the page, is heard.
             All fuses now, falls into place
             From wish to action, word to silence,
             My work, my love, my time, my face
             Gathered into one intense
             Gesture of growing like a plant.
             As slowly as the ripening fruit
             Fertile, detached, and always spent,
             Falls but does not exhaust the root,
             So all the poem is, can give,
             Grows in me to become the song,
             Made so and rooted by love.
             Now there is time and Time is young.
             O, in this single hour I live
             All of myself and do not move.
             I, the pursued, who madly ran,
             Stand still, stand still, and stop the sun.

                                               -may sarton

Categories: inspiring

Doorways Traveler

truth.

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there was a lot of truth telling in my day today. honest sharing of simple, easy things and also of dark, painful, unthinkable things. there were funny truths, moments shared of healing realizations and stories of deep hurt, present and past. i heard candid assessments of the now and predictions of what may come. admissions of weakness and also of empowerment, of the boundaries that must sometimes be drawn to protect ourselves and the ones we love. i think the truth that i most connected to today was that sometimes the most honest revelation is that we just don't know what the truth is. just that. there's something liberating in the telling, even if the truth is indecision. it's powerful. and the beauty of the truth is that it almost never accompanies regret. it really does set you free.
so my truth tonight is that my heart is heavy. i'm feeling a little paralyzed, numbed, by the hard things i see going on around me, in the lives of people i love. i'm a little afraid to let it all in. i am not new to bearing witness and being a close supporter of people who are suffering. i've seen a lot. and i really do love being with people when they are most real, stripped down by the circumstances of real life. i'm just not feeling that effective right now. i'm feeling like i don't know what the right thing to do is. i'm deeply touched and disconnected at the same time. maybe fearing that i'm not present enough, not accessing my inner truth. maybe afraid of what might come if i really do take it all on. i don't know…my heart is heavy and i just don't know. that's the truth–it's all i've got.
Categories: revealing

Doorways Traveler

purpose.

 
One

photo taken in Washington, DC at the We Are One concert. January 18, 2009

i was going to write a post today called blah. and then i was going to fill it up with blah blah blah blah blah blah blah and so forth. how funny and original of me. perhaps an accurate portrayal of today's experience, but probably not that useful. then i had an insightful conversation with a wise woman who's known purpose is to heal the planet. lofty? maybe. but she's doing it. in her own fabulous and unexpected way. and i'm proud of her. and proud to know her and behold her process. and inspired by the assuredness of her conviction, too. so, then, the (obvious) question was posed: do i know my purpose? and, lucky for me, i actually do. i've always known that my purpose is to connect. to bring people together so that we can foster in one another the finding of our deeper selves, our truest experiences. to witness our fallibility and our commonality. i want nothing more than to experience this thing called connection, defined by me as that moment of knowing. of feeling superbly placed to behold whatever it is that is happening. that lucid shining fantastic glorious hum of LOVE that rises up when we recognize that we are not alone. not even when we're lonely. or feeling blah. i want more of THAT. and i want others to have it, too. i want to provide spaces, and opportunities and beautiful creations to inspire the magic to happen. to travel anywhere and everywhere and right here to feel IT more. and then give it back. i guess our purpose is most revealing of what we need the most in ourselves. it's the most authentic and altruistic offering–i give you what i need most. you are what you seek. i think my friend needed healing along the way. and i needed connection. 

still do. 
Categories: revealing

Doorways Traveler
Doorways Traveler