looking back to now.

desert trees, canon rebel xti, march 2009

in thought and conversation this week, the topic of gratitude for this moment has been ripe. good things always–gratitude, being present–practices to hold tight to at any time. what i am overwhelmingly aware of that is different this week is a change, or a deepening, of my understanding of what this means. that in being present and grateful for this moment, i am thus grateful for the presence of every moment that came before. every sticky tangled bit of it. and grateful for the me at each and every age and stage that made the choices to navigate this way and that, even when it didn't always feel good. even when there was doubt. even when, in hindsight, i'd wished i'd done differently. because, to be here, now, all that preceded had to happen. i am feeling a rush of love for the wisdom of the five and ten and sixteen and twenty-five year old me who did the best she could. opened the doors in front of her, and, in the evolution that followed, attracted amazing beings into my life and set the stage for me to authentically show up in this moment.

wow.

i've been bathing in this paradigm shift for the past couple of weeks. and what i am experiencing as i splash around in it, is that i am allowing myself to feel deserving of the life i am in and the company i keep. and from there, i am really taking it all in. my life is blessed and precious and i am in amazing company. from the phenomenal bloggers and artists out there that i am beginning to dialog with off these pages, to my devoted and brilliant partner, rock-star children and the beaming lights that i get to call my friends and community.

i took this soft appreciation with me as i went last night to a planning meeting to address a wonderful cause that i care very much about (to be shared later). and there were some very special people there. as i sat in this room, i took in the faces and gazes of women who have been huge catalysts in my life. among them were one of my most treasured friends, who has provided endless inspiration artistically, intelligently, inquisitively and gracefully. and then there was my midwife, my therapist and my first employer and mentor. seriously. all in the same room. as i heard the ambitious announcer in my head say "THIS IS YOUR LIFE!" i had a moment of reckoning that i am truly arriving, and that these women are a reflection of that. because no longer did i feel separate from them, uncomfortable or aspiring, but rather i really felt into the ease of my authentic self that has taken 38 years of chosen moments to arrive in the same room with them. the true self that belongs where she is, has traveled toward the beauty of connection with these dear inspiring souls, and is clearly on the right path.

and as i drove home, i marvelled at the peace and gratitude i felt for the wisdom and grace it took to get me there.

Categories: experiencing, inspiring, revealing

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seeking same.

sunday at the park, canon rebel xti, may 2009

i'm feeling really blog-blocked right now. type-keys are sticky and disjointed, the words not coming. i'm feeling like it is high time that i wrote something substantive here, the next REAL chapter, but it's just not happening.

but… if it were to flow, what i would write about today is how i am finding so much relief, so much happiness lately in not trying so hard. not efforting so vigilantly to have you see me as different, special, unique, but rather in allowing for you to see me in all my dimpled, sagging and tearful glory. how the opportunity for transparency on a larger scale has opened and stretched me further than i thought it could. how i am experiencing an intimacy and joy with my partner, my family, my friends, in a way i don't think i have before. how it's enough to just be together. how i am laughing more, listening more and kissing more. holding eye-contact for longer and appreciating, really appreciating, what i have. how i feel like i belong to it ALL. and ALL belongs to me. how i feel accessible and accessed.

sigh.

from this see-through spot, i am so profoundly touched and inspired by the incredible work other people are doing in this world. creative juices are flowing…humans are growing…and i am here to witness it all. participate in it. i am not wanting to differentiate, but, rather to add to the positive goodness that is out there. that's the divine shift. i am seeking same. finding comfort and sublime opportunity in commonality. appreciating when our visions genuinely intersect. i am willing to risk being a cliche, if it means i can relax and fully embrace this moment of being. if it means i can blissfully run with my eyes closed while listening to your lyrics that slay me, weep at the sight of your brush-stokes or gasp while reading the masterpiece of your words. i want to be closer still–not further apart.

and, it's from my deepest most humble desire to continue with this authentic intertwining that my project is being born. it will be my offering. it is where i am putting my creative energy. it's going to be great. but it's going to take a while.

i'll keep showing up along the way. revealing and seeking the same.

will you?

Categories: experiencing, inspiring, revealing

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what’s real.

offerings, temple tirta empul, bali, august 2008

what's real today is that i am in love. with my life. with this precious journey that i am on. with my flaws. my vulnerability. and the thousands of opportunities i have each day to have those things reflected back upon me with nothing but light. if i choose it.

what's real is that i am saying yes. responding to what speaks. silly as it feels sometimes. asking for blind dates. sharing tea with a brave and wise soul. arriving as nothing more than than just me. expecting nothing and receiving the gift of authentic connection. inspiration and acceptance. which is everything.

what's real is that is that i am showing up and moving in, after so much time spent with one foot out the door.

potting plants and preparing meals. rearranging and nesting. writing, hugging, photographing and looking. creating, loving, experiencing, growing, embarrassing and transcending. meditating, shedding, plunging, purging, misunderstanding, overwhelming and consuming. laughing, tickling and settling in.

dreaming, believing, trusting.

traveling, beautifying, connecting.

for me.

for us.

because it's real.

Categories: experiencing, revealing

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(mis)perceptions.

self portrait in reflection, canon rebel xti, may 2009

it is so easy to recognize the places that we need to work on. the soft spots, where the skin and muscles are stretched and vulnerable. or the bones haven't quite fused yet. we know these parts because they are tender, bruise easily and take consciousness to be protected. they limit our risk taking and define beliefs about our abilities. but perhaps there is something to be said about the inverse. that our weaknesses may, in fact, be our strengths. those things that work against us may just be our tickets to freedom.

i'm still working this out, but it's starting to really make sense. you see, i am an observer. a thinker. and, oh god, a feeler. much more than i really care to admit. because if i do, then i will have to confess to the unbelievable amount of energy i have spent, given away, to taking on the physical manifestations of so much feeling, thinking and observing. so much calculating, caring, investing in perceptions. having a spiritual practice has helped tremendously, but, as they say, it's practice. and karma is karma. our work is our work. we all have our own brand of suffering. internal, external, horizontal or vertical. it's ours, it's mine, and we work with it. what's changing for me is that i am claiming my right to spin my perceptions around and utilize these suffering skills to my advantage. appreciate the gifts and let these gifts guide my work in the world. and i'm getting mighty excited about it. i am crafting a life from the heart and center of my thinking, feeling and observing self. recognizing a skill set and not a burden. letting these over-driven ways of being become useful companions, and, hopefully bring some peace, love and joy in the process.

i know this isn't rocket science (that's the thinker talking, wondering if you are responding with a "duh!"). it's like i've known this all along. and now i KNOW it. you know?

i feel some serious mojo coming on.

Categories: creating, revealing

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