8 July, 2009
warning: the content below is full of flawed tangents, grammatical chaos and the yearning to put language on what is only beginning to make sense.
i'm sitting in a cafe in boulder in close proximity to complete strangers. the guy next to me is day trading, the woman on the other side is studying what looks to be chemistry. i probably look like i'm engaging in an equally detached, pragmatic task, too. but really, i'm brimming with tears and feeling that familiar burning, aching and heaviness in my chest. it feels sort of like that new-love feeling, but mixed with anxiety and that electrical vibrating feeling, tingly and uncomfortable. everything within me feels like a stew of contradictions. fear and gratitude. manifestation and devastation. displacement and home. i don't feel settled anywhere. not geographically. not internally. maybe this is my version of a crisis of faith. so much is changing. at warp speed. all of it is banking on faith. i find myself efforting, willing myself to put my attention on the heart, on abundance and on truly believing in the universe to take care of the details. and i'm confronted again and again that i just may have never actually done this before. i think i've experienced things working themselves out in hindsight but i haven't really been able to hold steady to vision for any great length of time. and to completely lay it down and TRUST. i make strides. i let the tears flow and keep my heart open. i spill my soul to my dear ones. i pray. but the fear and doubt still surface, or worse, linger subversively underneath.
a friend of mine once reflected to me after hearing me speak my fears, that my greatest fear of all is of being a fraud. and i think that is the greater fear at work here. what if i am just an over-ambitious dreamer? what if this idea of mine to travel the world and collect stories is self-indulgent and serves nothing more than my ego's desire to be great? (not). to be seen? (so what?). what if it IS the real work i am meant to do–which my earnest, screaming soulful self, deep-in-there-somewhere is so sure it is–and i am sabotaging it by allowing the fear to speak? putting my attention on the tension and, therefore, locking myself down from grace? what if i am jeopardizing my family by spending money before we have it? or worse, what would i be jeopardizing if i didn't say yes to the doorways that are opening? oh god, i know these thoughts are crazy-making.
this is the moment after the jump when the rip cord slips through your fingers. and the monkey upstairs is having a hell of time with it.
Actually, who are you not to be?"