yesterday's me, portrait by my man, canon rebel xti, july 2009

i just removed yesterday's post because, quite frankly, it was filler. it was past tense, not relevant and just something mediocre to hold over until i had the time to give you something real. sure, the photos were ok, the sign was sort-of funny and i do love the eldorado springs pool, BUT the real reason i put it up there was so that i could quickly post something before i went down and lay by the pool at the venetian hotel in las vegas (where, mind you, they passed out cold cucumbers that my puffy eyes greatly appreciated). i put up that post yesterday because, still feeling pretty new at this, i worry that if i don't put something up here frequently enough, you might not keep coming back. my small self speaks up and nags me to keep up. appear with it. be the illusion of clever, smart, spiritual, creative and deep ALL THE TIME. whatever that is. this, of course, leads to inauthentic work and no more than mere blah content. completely insane, no? but true. so true.

the beauty of this medium is that we have the choice to present what we want about ourselves in any given moment. not so different from real life. you only see what i want you to see. the more that i do this, though, i realize that what i really want is for you to just see the real me. freedom to just be what is and toss it out there. this is like the grand experiment. art is life. life is art. you get what you give. and i want to give wholly. that doesn't mean that it will always be serious, or deep or even smart. how could it be? it just means that it has to be real. authentic. and present. 

so: take 2. 

what was real for me yesterday morning was that i had just had the best night's sleep of the past three weeks. in a fluffy white bed on the vegas strip. i was soaking up the indulgence of sin city for a mere 18 hours. and i loved it. typically, i shun vegas on the road trip between santa barbara and colorado. (for all the reasons one shuns vegas). i insist that we drive 40 minutes off-course in both directions to spend the layover night in springdale, utah because it feels holier, majestic and restorative. and it is all those things. usually, it's perfect. usually, i say a prayer, baptize myself in the river and i'm good to go.

this time, though, my body craved luxury, spoiling and a little gaudy decadence. i felt worked by the less than easy "vacation" of the past three weeks. i wanted five stars and my family was more than happy to oblige. there was wine and bubble bath involved. remote-controlled curtains, flat-screen in the bathroom and plenty of pillows. a roller coaster and italian chocolate cookies for the kids. i watched nurse jackie, read the rolling stone article about adam lambert and drank an $8 bottle of water. 

so there you have it. the unabashed truth of yesterday's me.  just a tired traveler in the nevada desert who eagerly and excitedly accepted free cucumbers by a pool; and who recognized that sometimes the doorways that beckon with seductive neon lights and the promise of high thread counts are exactly what she needs. AND,  i  managed to get away without ever being handed a porn ad. damn straight. viva las vegas.