oh yes, real life. 

eye contact. holy hot pizza. spontaneous dancing and leopard print wheelchair rides. back massages and animated gesturing. geek talk. pears, limes and coconut bliss. stories of travels and transitions. beginnings and endings. passions and brainstorms. hearts open, guards down. warm and infused with flavor, in a home i've been lucky enough to live in, belonging to two of the most brave and creative people i know. 

i love the casual, grainy and blurred way a phone camera captures moments in time. like an old newspaper. and like how the world looks through the filter of a nice glass of red.

online is great. really great. mind-blowing with the potential for connection and beauty.

real life is even better. 

there is this thing that i do when i get scared. when i feel like i don't have control. when my hands feel metaphorically tied and i want to be rescued. when i feel weak, unlikeable, lonely, unattractive and ineffective. there is this thing that i do: i stop being who i really am. i check-out. go numb.  i guard. i retract. i don't care for myself in the ways that i intuitively know that i should. i feed the invisible monster all of my energy. i regret, i criticize and i feel defeated. i sleep, more than i need to. i become a shadow of myself. 

this thing that i do–it's been beckoning. i've been sinking these past few days. feeling distant and letting all kinds of unwelcome thoughts work their misery on me. i'm feeling lonely. wishing that we had spent more time socially with other families this summer. wishing for greater community and an invitation to the party. the irony is that we are blessed with a beautiful community and it is my own self-judgement that inhibits connection. especially when i am doing this thing that i do… 

last night i broke through this thing, after several days of throwing up the walls and hunkering in with diversion. as my husband's arms wrapped around me and i allowed my heart to rest upon his, i had one of those "a-ha's." i felt a knowing that i just needed some recognition. that i just needed someone that i love to validate all the ways that i'm sticking myself out there.  to tell me that i'm good. and worthy. and enough. to see how invested i am, how this time it is different. how this time, i am working for something that i really believe in. again, a part of me feels inane for saying this out loud. because i know we all know that we need to hear these things. and i also know that, ultimately, the one who needs to validate me, is ME. but, you know what? i'm vulnerable. i'm in touch with my passions and dreams in a way that i never have been before. and i am HUMAN. i crave recognition, to be seen, especially from the ones i love. i do need to be told that i am believed in. that i'm doing a good job. that i'm worth it. at least for now.

i think i've carried around the idea that i'm not supposed to want these things. that there is shame in the desire for our families, found and biological, to really see us. to believe in us. to tell us we are great and praise our talents. that it should be implied and to want this kind of spoken recognition is self-centered and narcissistic.

so, when i need it most, i throw up the wall.

i pretend that i don't care and that i am strong enough to light my own fire.

and i am. 

but it sure doesn't hurt to have those arms wrapped around me.  

and to have those words of praise and kindness whispered in my ears.

i can't be the only one who is just getting this. right?

another layer, stripped away.

tell me, what do you need to hear today? i'd love to say it to you…

dD wedding cupcakes, august 2009

yesterday, i was gravely at risk of letting the sweetness slip through my fingers. of allowing the pressures and conspiracies of that nit-picking pest upstairs to cast impenetrable shadows. but, then i took some moments online…and the doorways back were right there.

~this post by susannah, who never disappoints.

~necessary words on the journey, by the unstoppable swirly.

~more incredible photos that capture the sweetness of sisterhood, by beautiful boho.

~a message of truth from the mountain top, by the deeply inspiring marianne.

~a stunning declaration of love, by this brazen gypsy.

~this India blog, by Mariellen, that lifted me into greater excitement for the adventure ahead of me.

today, i am so grateful for those who have the voice, the sight, and the wisdom when i am not able to access it for myself. 

thank you, beautiful ones. it really is an honor and a privilege to have reached out to each one of you. and to have had you respond.

it really is ALL good. 

every single bit of it. 

and we are SO not alone. 

right now. mac photobooth. august 2009.

some days begin with statements and revelations. knowings and beings. easy and aware.

others are less grounded. still taking form. precariously teetering between productive and anxiously inert. unsure. intimidated. insecure.

this is one of the latter. i can feel the lure of retreat and indulgence in old patterning. of fear. of comparison. of lingering in front of the door. needing a push. the intangibility of faith. 

but i choose not to crawl into the corner. i choose not to doubt and wallow. 

so i am placing my palms together and i am calling.

calling it all in. 

throwing open the windows and whispering out loud my prayers for all i dare to become. for what i already am. for the life i am entitled to live.

a life where these things are essential:

surrendered open spirit.

authentic empowered being.

connected world community.

creating and experiencing beauty.

intimate, joyful and honest relationships.

abundant flowing finances.

easeful and adventurous travel.

i'm calling. 

because i know that if i don't, i'll have only myself to blame.

it's in the choosing. it's in the asking. it's in the believing.