there is this thing that i do when i get scared. when i feel like i don't have control. when my hands feel metaphorically tied and i want to be rescued. when i feel weak, unlikeable, lonely, unattractive and ineffective. there is this thing that i do: i stop being who i really am. i check-out. go numb.  i guard. i retract. i don't care for myself in the ways that i intuitively know that i should. i feed the invisible monster all of my energy. i regret, i criticize and i feel defeated. i sleep, more than i need to. i become a shadow of myself. 

this thing that i do–it's been beckoning. i've been sinking these past few days. feeling distant and letting all kinds of unwelcome thoughts work their misery on me. i'm feeling lonely. wishing that we had spent more time socially with other families this summer. wishing for greater community and an invitation to the party. the irony is that we are blessed with a beautiful community and it is my own self-judgement that inhibits connection. especially when i am doing this thing that i do… 

last night i broke through this thing, after several days of throwing up the walls and hunkering in with diversion. as my husband's arms wrapped around me and i allowed my heart to rest upon his, i had one of those "a-ha's." i felt a knowing that i just needed some recognition. that i just needed someone that i love to validate all the ways that i'm sticking myself out there.  to tell me that i'm good. and worthy. and enough. to see how invested i am, how this time it is different. how this time, i am working for something that i really believe in. again, a part of me feels inane for saying this out loud. because i know we all know that we need to hear these things. and i also know that, ultimately, the one who needs to validate me, is ME. but, you know what? i'm vulnerable. i'm in touch with my passions and dreams in a way that i never have been before. and i am HUMAN. i crave recognition, to be seen, especially from the ones i love. i do need to be told that i am believed in. that i'm doing a good job. that i'm worth it. at least for now.

i think i've carried around the idea that i'm not supposed to want these things. that there is shame in the desire for our families, found and biological, to really see us. to believe in us. to tell us we are great and praise our talents. that it should be implied and to want this kind of spoken recognition is self-centered and narcissistic.

so, when i need it most, i throw up the wall.

i pretend that i don't care and that i am strong enough to light my own fire.

and i am. 

but it sure doesn't hurt to have those arms wrapped around me.  

and to have those words of praise and kindness whispered in my ears.

i can't be the only one who is just getting this. right?

another layer, stripped away.

tell me, what do you need to hear today? i'd love to say it to you…