the band-aid is from the travel doctor. final immunization for india today, along with a handful of prescriptions to fill and carry with me just in case. after a long chat with the doc about malaria, dysentery and other fabulous potential deal-breakers, i got in the car and knew that i needed to come home and make a list. make a list for myself of all the reasons why i am going on this trip with salaam garage to rajasthan. 

1. because i have to. 

2. because if i didn't, i would be ignoring the truth inside of me. 

3. because this is one hell of a doorway–the potential for beauty and connection limitless–the opportunity to help change the course of lives for the women and children served by vatsalya, with my creative projects, a dream come true.

4. because i get to learn from this incredibly accomplished team.

5. because i have always wanted to go to india, she's been calling for a long, long time.

6. because i want my children to see that, at any age, it is possible to recreate oneself and tune in to your purpose in this world.

7. because being safe is an illusion.

8. because i want to.

9. because i need to.

10. because i have to.

i have read enough about india to know that one can never read anything that will truly do her justice. i expect the extremes, the assault on the senses, the devastation and the sublime bliss. the amplification of humanity, in all it's desperation and resilience. i expect to be rattled and triggered, cracked-open and extended. 

i know that i will miss my family and they will miss me. this is the maiden voyage–the testing of the vessel which is my heart. big enough and open enough to love myself as much as i love them. to set myself free on the right path to grow my gifts. to connect from this new definition of self–one that is authentic, passionate, and brave. 

you know that warm, deep, tingling feeling that you get in your chest when something touches you? the moment when the tears of resonance come?

i'm having it right now. 

"For we have not come to take prisoners Or to confine our wondrous spirits, But to experience ever and ever more deeply Our divine courage, freedom, and Light!" -Hafiz

this is what it's about. 

this is why i am going.

k's treasures at the yard sale, august 2009

i can't be the only one feeling like a supreme juggler (on a unicycle) with not only the requisite three balls, but the jackhammer, the machete, and the flaming torch in the air, as well. are you feeling this, too? i have come to this space so many times in the past few days, wanting to offer up something, or, at the least, spill something, and have left after only a couple of sentences because the phone rang, my mind blew or the aforementioned power tool needed gassing up. 

it's transition time. the back-to-school-summer-into-fall segue that always calls up the adaptation skills. but this time it's so much more than that. our family has been swirling in big decisions, indecision, and the reality of decisions made. my husband is working feverishly to create more opportunities and income. my daughter started swim team and is anxiously awaiting the beginning of her 8th grade year. my son began 4th grade and a new soccer team yesterday. then there's the small matter that i will be departing two weeks from tonight for the longest time away sans mi familia since before i became a mother, thirteen years ago. whoa. it's a lot. and it's all fantastic. privileged and amazing. AND it all requires attention. planning, erranding and presence. there is so much momentum and newness. and so much gratitude. and so much, pragmatically, that still needs to be done, for this time to go smoothly for all of us.

so this is the context within which i write today. probably not that different from anyone reading. we've all got much on our plates right now and it feels like, collectively, people are reaching underneath, looking at their lives and asking more of themselves than in times past. the struggle i feel today is in the facing of my limitations. i've dropped some balls. let some people down. this morning i completely stood-up a beautiful new friend that i was really looking forward to having coffee with. i was at my desk, paying bills, and neglected to look at my calendar–which was only ONE CLICK AWAY.  i am someone who is chronically on time and am physically uncomfortable with being late. just ask anyone who knows me well (especially my children) and they will roll their eyes and nod. so when i received her text message asking where i was, i got that all over feeling of doom and dread, felt like a shmuck, called her up and pleaded for a pardon. i also received an email from someone else last night who was disappointed in the way that i handled a particular scheduling and logistics situation. i've had to cancel things, back-peddle, reschedule and rearrange. and i have completely forgotten a few things, too.

the truth is that  i am in the chaos of creation while simultaneously trying to maintain my roles of  responsible, organized mother, friend, and wife. again, at the risk of sounding like a broken record, i know this is not a new concept. but it is new to me. and i'm not very good at it yet. this whole creative living thing–the development of my project, social networking, keeping up this blog, photographing and photoshopping–it's more passionate and free and fully invigorating than anything i've ever done. i'm consumed and insatiable. if i could stop time and just go all mad-scientist in the studio for days, i would. i'd come out grinning with einstein hair and lightbulbs over my head and reams of paper filled with possibilities. i believe wholly in my ideas and know in the deepest part of myself that i am on the right path. i don't want any part of that path, however, to involve dropping balls and hurting others…

so all that long windedness leads me to my question today. one that has been asked a zillion times before, but only now relates to me. how do you prioritize, organize, juggle when you are in the chaos of creation? is it as simple as scheduling and blocking out hours in the day? sending out an email that is the equivalent to turning on the red light outside the darkroom door? perhaps it is. i'm making some headway with my own ideas. but i'd love to hear yours, too.