i'm thinking a lot about inhabiting. about abiding and standing solid in one place for a while. about sifting through ideas and about moving forward from a map. one that i've created and that, after some deep contemplation, outlines the places that i'd like to go. every message i am getting right now is to sit down and list, outline, brainstorm, seek counsel and decide. stay home. and i am aware of how difficult this really is for me.

it seems that i am much more comfortable with the comings and goings. the falling offs and the getting back ups. the airplane and the train. the move to the next house. the growth spurt and even the tears on the therapist's couch. i'm your girl in a crisis. i thrive, and am calm, when the directive is obvious. the thing needing tending is bleeding. or departing at half past eight. but when the call from the ethers is to be discerning, to take a step back and settle into a routine for a while, to sift and sort the contents of dresser drawers and the archives of internal inspirations, to define the trajectory: this is where i get anxious. this is where i begin to doubt. this is where i, historically, have failed to take action.

the intriguing chris guillebeau wrote today about the divide between thinking of doing something and doing it. about how our intentions, though thoughtful and pure, are not what makes a difference. i really heard him. i mean to do a lot of really great things. many of them don't ever get done.

so now it is time for me to act. but the kind of action i am called to take is from that still point (if that makes sense). it is action with roots. action with contemplation. action that is based on knowing. it is action that involves things like sending more money to haiti. filling in susannah's fabulous worksheets. reading a few instruction manuals. showing up for the people i love. i'll write thank you notes. organize receipts and make flow charts. find my way onto my yoga mat and give the dog a bath. finish overdue tasks, make soups and volunteer in schools. and, alas, i will define my project (notice how that one comes up last).

i know that in order to take right action, i  need to sit still for a while. something i really don't like to do. something that asks more of me that i usually care to give to myself. (i'd really rather be in haiti right now, digging through rubble). sitting still is hard. because it is the work. because it means i have to trust myself. BE with myself. let my own ideas guide me. and maybe listen to truths that i don't want to hear. 

(this is what happens when you choose CLEAR as your guiding word of the year)