clear.
the new year began with a cup of inner-blossom white tea. from tightly wound bud, to unfurling petals, hot steam rising, and the metaphor slipping smooth down my throat.
home from family holiday. the city was marvelous. we met it with all of our senses and we celebrated new year's eve with cannolis from north beach eaten from a bag while sitting on a bench beside the golden gate. it was a flurry of activity and non-stop motion. and on the heels of a month that was very much the same.
and now i'm done. i'm moving slow. and discovering, like a brick to the head, how many permissive reassurances it takes for me to do so. how my mind will forever spin the shoulds and coulds and opinions and judgments of rest being laze. how i perceive some master "justice scale" to be measuring how much i am giving and receiving. quantifying how much energy expenditure is being directed toward children, husband, other, self. and being concerned, ever concerned, over whether i am taking too much. too much. somewhere in my programming was a big old input of shame around taking.
i think appearing selfish and ungrateful are among my greatest fears. fears that have proven to be nothing more than obstacles to my own wellbeing.
and, with that, i have claimed the entitlement to take to my bed. (thanks, laurel)
i'm tired and need to rest.
read, sit, sleep, sip, restore. be quiet. (this may last for a few days)
this doesn't mean that i won't cook. (should the spirit move me)
or that i won't go for a walk. (that kind of sounds good today)
what it means, to me, is that i am ready to erase this story, this weights and measures of give and take, from my memoir. to trust a much more intuitive guide. the one that knows and needs.
i have no doubt that 2010 is going to be an extraordinary year. for myself (travel and opportunity abundant), for my family, for the world. and i do not want to miss it or be derailed by an old stretched out screechy loop of tape. i want to be open, alive, and enhanced. lifted, as i said before. in the flow. easy.
to do that, i see now, i need to be like that tea i drank on new year's morning. unfurled. soft. clean and true to essence.
it is impossible to either reflect on what has happened in the past or to outline my intentions for this new year with lucid, transparent integrity, without taking whatever is needed to regain balance.
and that is exactly what i am doing.
also, with this next breath, i am adding another word, perhaps more fitting, to 2010: CLEAR.
(i'll share more when i emerge from my bedchamber).
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11 hours ago - loved meeting David Eagleman tonight. Fascinating and dynamic thinker and speaker. #Incognito
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3 January, 2010
I don’t even have a husband and children and yet I struggle with this – with a sense of needing to do and give more to earn my place, do my fair share. It’s hard to feel entitled to take rest when I need it, there is always more work to be done. I’m learning to trust that I’m enough and that taking care of myself is part of doing my good in the world. So I’ll always be here to cheer you on in this one.
Take rest. Find space.
3 January, 2010
Oh how I love jasmine tea balls! I just picked up a baggie of them for $10.00 here in South Korea!
I pray your 2010 brings you your dreams & lots of goodness & joy! ‘Clear’ is such a great word for 2010. I’d like that too..
4 January, 2010
Rest well my friend.
4 January, 2010
“it is impossible to either reflect on what has happened in the past or to outline my intentions for this new year with lucid, transparent integrity, without taking whatever is needed to regain balance.”
Oh, how the above speaks to me and how deeply i get what you’re saying here…”taking whatever is needed to regain balance”–such “issues” i have with this.
It’s not so much that I don’t take what is needed, it’s that often when I do take, I feel like I shouldn’t be taking, like I really “should” be doing something else-like giving, for example.
But we can’t give unless we take time to regain balance–that’s the truth.
It takes courage to know what we need and to then act on that. You are a brave woman.
Happy resting, my friend.
5 January, 2010
that screechy loop of stretched out tape! I keep tossing it and then I find it again, on my desk, in my painting… maybe the trick is not throwing it away, and instead smiling at it, and saying, not gonna listen to you… Have a beautiful rest… xo
5 January, 2010
Absolutely. Peel away the layers of give and take. Find your clarity in the center Lisa. You are supported.
Bisous, Bisous,
Sarah Ann
p.s. Oatmeal Avocado facials are fun for the whole family. No give, or take…just messy, soothing fun!
10 January, 2010
‘Clear’ is my word for the year too.