sweetness.

sugar, jaipur, india, september 2009

at times i feel like i am hovering above it all. skeptical. almost afraid to embody it. to inhabit fully the abundance that is surrounding me. is it real? illusion? it sure feels good. these connections. what has played out so richly in what seems like a very short amount of time. it hasn't even been a year since i showed up in this space, with nothing more than the blind desire to do so. a hunch. a deep stirring. and a prayer.

and here i am, in this auspicious new year. just back from a meeting about a collaboration of dreams and an opportunity to capture images for an artist i admire. i've been to squam and to india. had a soulful portrait session. i unravelled and made friends around the world through nothing more than the truth of words and images. because i said yes, they appeared. i have work now published in a beautiful magazine, will be teaching a workshop at this groundbreaking event, and have been asked to guest curate a week in june for this amazing venture. and more is coming. not the least of which is a journey to the UK that departs monday…

i am as flummoxed as the people i try to explain all this to. and it is not lost on me that these opportunities come hand in hand with the privileged life i am lucky enough to be living.

but i know that this story i am in is more than one of just a woman passing time on the internet, making friends, and heading out to travel. this is the creative conduit to my true path. and where it is leading remains mostly a mystery to me right now. honestly, i hope there is always a little mystery.

i know for sure this journey involves a camera. i know there will be writing. clearly, there is travel. i know it has something to do with these connections i've made. there will be beauty. and purpose. stories that matter. experience of same. doorways to freedom.

but, the form it will all take? where the revenue comes from? i really don't know. the original ideas have changed, melted, and are reconstructing themselves. there is something called the doorways project. i am in it. i just don't know what it is.

and so, the only choice i can make in this moment is to believe and follow. lean in and trust. continue to ride it and receive. pay attention. listen. capture. offer.

inhabit. wholly.

because, really, what else would you have me do?

i am grateful. humbled. and ready to really sink in to all this sweetness.

chinatown, san francisco, december 2009

Categories: connecting, creating, experiencing, revealing

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clear.

the new year began with a cup of inner-blossom white tea. from tightly wound bud, to unfurling petals, hot steam rising, and the metaphor slipping smooth down my throat.

home from family holiday. the city was marvelous. we met it with all of our senses and we celebrated new year's eve with cannolis from north beach eaten from a bag while sitting on a bench beside the golden gate. it was a flurry of activity and non-stop motion. and on the heels of a month that was very much the same.

and now i'm done. i'm moving slow. and discovering, like a brick to the head, how many permissive reassurances it takes for me to do so. how my mind will forever spin the shoulds and coulds and opinions and judgments of rest being laze. how i perceive some master "justice scale" to be measuring how much i am giving and receiving. quantifying how much energy expenditure is being directed toward children, husband, other, self. and being concerned, ever concerned, over whether i am taking too much. too much. somewhere in my programming was a big old input of shame around taking.

i think appearing selfish and ungrateful are among my greatest fears. fears that have proven to be nothing more than obstacles to my own wellbeing.

and, with that, i have claimed the entitlement to take to my bed. (thanks, laurel)

i'm tired and need to rest.

read, sit, sleep, sip, restore. be quiet. (this may last for a few days)

this doesn't mean that i won't cook. (should the spirit move me)

or that i won't go for a walk. (that kind of sounds good today)

what it means, to me, is that i am ready to erase this story, this weights and measures of give and take, from my memoir. to trust a much more intuitive guide. the one that knows and needs.

i have no doubt that 2010 is going to be an extraordinary year. for myself (travel and opportunity abundant), for my family, for the world. and i do not want to miss it or be derailed by an old stretched out screechy loop of tape. i want to be open, alive, and enhanced. lifted, as i said before. in the flow. easy.

to do that, i see now, i need to be like that tea i drank on new year's morning. unfurled. soft. clean and true to essence.

it is impossible to either reflect on what has happened in the past or to outline my intentions for this new year with lucid, transparent integrity, without taking whatever is needed to regain balance.

and that is exactly what i am doing.

also, with this next breath, i am adding another word, perhaps more fitting, to 2010: CLEAR.

(i'll share more when i emerge from my bedchamber).

Categories: connecting, experiencing, revealing

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from an airplane window…somewhere between here and there

the word for the new year wasn’t coming. there are others that still hold my intentions, they are right there atop this page. but i wanted another one. one that understood where i am today, which is a little unsure and not wanting to miss the opportunity to wish upon a new year’s eve blue moon. so i flipped through my old journal entries and there it was. in a poem tucked away to be found when it was needed most.

SHE RESPONDED

The birds’ favorite songs
You do not hear,

For their most flamboyant music takes place
When their wings are stretched
Above the trees

And they are smoking the opium
Of pure freedom.

It is healthy for the prisoner
To have faith

That one day he will again move about
Wherever he wants,
Feel the wondrous grit of life -
Less structured,

Find all wounds, debts stamped canceled,
Paid.

I once asked a bird,
“How is it that you fly in this gravity
Of darkness?”

She responded,

“Love lifts
Me.”

~ Hafiz ~

with Sugan. photo by the amazing aisha boyd