archive: March, 2010

baggage claim.

seems each time i ready myself to leap farther, the Big Baggage wants to come with, filled with the skeletons and accumulations of other Heavy Things that lay waiting in the closet. before i know it, i am over-packed and beyond the Weight Limit of what is comfortable to carry. i am burdened. rendered less mobile. confronted.

while it is familiar to be loaded with extra pounds going into a journey, i'd be lying if i said i wasn't at all frustrated by the prospect of having to take this Stuff with me. and of having to lay it all down again. to decipher need from patterned coping, what is nourishing from what numbs, hunger from filling.

this time, i'd really like to take less with me. the places i am going ask for me to be free and agile, to carry only what is easy and necessary. i need to leave self-judgment behind. i've got no room for awkward and amateur or do-i-deserve-this. old traveling companions like fat-girl-in-the-room and starving-for-sweetness simply don't fold well and take up too much luggage space.

when we check our baggage, there is an inherent risk. it might not be there when we Arrive. it might just get lost.

for the first time ever, i see this as a marvelous possibility.

inspired by the book that is rocking my world: Women, Food, and God by Geneen Roth.

watch her read from the book here.

Categories: connecting, experiencing, growing, revealing

proof.

Photo on 2010-03-24 at 13.41 yellow fever vaccine for travel to uganda. today. mac photobooth.

i am in my imperfect perfection. the form of now. learning that there are a thousand truths underneath the one that speaks. turning kindness toward myself in a way i've never done before. and actually believing and receiving it.

this is big. it is all up for grabs.

and i'm receiving.

i am receiving (mostly) gracefully. with patience. with trust. with knowing.

there is no room left for shame here, nor for unworthiness or fear of full expression.

i am not too big for this life.

and the proof? the way i know that i am on the right track? well, that's the best part. the proof comes packaged in the most beautiful forms. in holy freaking spectacular community. in friendship that is available and free and willing and safe and uncomplicated. in the unsolicited email i received last night from a deep soul writing to thank me for opening up to this life and for sharing it. (seriously? i'm being thanked for living my dream?) the proof is in the whirring hummingbird by the window and the story on the radio about women in northern uganda that came on just the moment i tuned in. the proof is in the eye contact, the timing, and the honesty. in generosity and opportunity. the proof is in my son's tenderness and my daughter's charisma. my husband's loyalty, love, and willingness to face what's hard and to stretch. the proof is in this new feeling i have inside. the one where the anxious inertia transforms into peaceful, passionate momentum. the proof is right there for me to see, to feel, and to touch.

it is ok to be who i am. to be loud and open. to crave and to hunger and to want and to ask. to be full.

(i will not defend. or rationalize. diminish or explain.)

freedom is as freedom does.

right now. right here.

i've got proof.

(do you?)

Categories: connecting, experiencing, revealing

pause. preparation. gratitude. (and giveaway winners!)

a pause for joy. woman at vatsalya's health clinic for commercial sex workers. ajmer, india. 2009

i wake this morning in a pause for joy, perhaps a bit of overwhelm, and, mostly, gratitude. gratitude not the least for the support i've received over the past two weeks; the letters, the comments, the phone calls, the cards, and, of course, the money. as far as i am concerned, 96% is making it to my goal. it is enough to travel to uganda and to do the work i am setting out to do. i have received an abundance that i do not take lightly, nor do i see as my own; but rather that i am just the temporary caretaker of. the money raised is for me to show up and represent all of you in a place very few of us will actually visit. to show up and let the women there know that we care about what happens to them and to their families. that they matter. and that we want to see them, to hear their stories, and to contribute toward opening doors so that they may experience less suffering and greater freedom in their lives.

so i am pausing for this moment. to just feel it. because to slog through and not stop and let the dust settle in this whilrwind would be missing the point. i have to pause for joy. to feel the truth of what it is to receive and be grateful. and i need to prepare.

i have a stack of articles that linda cole, the director of cafwa, who i will be traveling with, has sent to me so that i may have a better understanding of the kinds of challenges that women in uganda face; what years of conflict, death and devastation, has done to displace and disadvantage. i've printed them off and will be diving in later this morning. i am triple checking my gear and will get my yellow fever shot next week. i am thinking a lot about the kinds of images i hope to capture. the "day in the life" photo essays i want to be able to share, with themes of hope and possibility, and how much we are the same. but, mostly, i am thinking about what it means to be free.

again, i thank you. i wish there was another way to say it. those who contributed toward this project will be put on a mailing list and updated as to how every penny is spent. most is going toward air fare and the remainder toward hotel and transportation while in uganda. i do not expect you to feed me. i will keep every receipt and if, by chance, there is anything left over, it will go directly to cafwa. sound fair? and, like i said before, the intention behind what i will be bringing back to share is for the stories and images to contribute toward supporting the women and communities served by cafwa in a much greater and substantive way. this is what it is to pay it forward.

last, but not least, i have some things to give away. there were 46 contributors in total (one person chipped-in twice!). i used the list of contributors, provided by the chip-in service, that had each person numbered in the order they contributed. in the case of the person who chipped-in twice, i used the first assigned number and removed the second, which moved up the other contributors by one number. using random.org's random number generator, i entered the numbers 1-46 and ran the generator 14 times, once for each giveaway item, in the order they were listed in the original post. if a number came up twice, i ran it again. that's how it worked. any questions, feel free to ask. i videoed the process, too, and will be happy to send that to anyone who would like to confirm that the whole thing was legit!

AND…the winners are:

darrah: all of a sudden, a book of poetry and images by leonie wise

julie: original polaroid "anemonies" by susannah conway

denise: print of original polaroid "cupcakes of happiness" by susannah conway

amy: print of original polaroid "the path" by susannah conway

lori: "unlock your dream" necklace by bellawish artist stacy de la rosa

tammy: 8×10 doorways project/lisa field-elliot image print of your choice taken on the journey to uganda

alex: "pluot love" print by leslie lindell

kathy: "dandelion love" print by leslie lindell

jen: "seafoam love" print by leslie lindell

sas: cd "sincerely" by cory sipper

faith: cd "sincerely" by cory sipper

kelly: "fuck fear" print by penny mckinley-rodgers

christianne: print of your choice from the etsy shop of julia fehrenbacher

gabriella: "soul sisters" necklace by cypress sun artist, amy friend

winners, i will notify you via email regarding shipping information. enjoy your beautiful things!

again, thank you. not just those who gave money, but to everyone who believes in what i am trying to do. we're all going to uganda to open some doors. and i am so glad to have you with me.

stay tuned…

Categories: connecting, doorways project, experiencing, giving, inspiring, photographing, revealing, traveling

how it all comes together.

stacy. february 14, 2010.

the flurry of last week has inexplicably landed some quiet moments at the start of this one. i found one of those blank spots, an opening, the space where the details converge and it all comes together somehow.

i sat all day yesterday working with images of a lovely woman (who happens to be pregnant). and as i took each photograph and pieced them together into a collection, i was pleased with the story they began to tell. one of elegance, sophistication, grace, wholeness. it felt raw, tender, and lovely. it felt free. and as i put it all together i was able to see how this maternity portrait work relates to the doorways project. how the message is essentially the same.

the doorways project is all about finding passages to wholeness. it is about women bravely crossing thresholds toward greater freedom in their lives. it is about opening the door to freedom from suffering.

and maybe that doorway is as much about a camera as anything else. i mean, clearly, it has been for me. and that is my intention with this trip to uganda–that the images i bring back will provide a means to connect and a vehicle for greater awareness, support, and, ultimately, open more doors for the women and communities there. but what if this is just as true for the women who grace my lens here at home?

true, they do not need the same kind of doorways opened for them, but they are still seeking freedom within themselves. they are seeking wholeness. value. potential. fearlessness. they are fierce and tender mothers who are complicated and varied and capable. they might need to see the photos to believe this, but therein lies the opening.

so, with that, i feel a strong body of work coming on. no pun intended. i am able to see how the work at home marries the work afar. how one supports the other; and how connected themes are woven together.

stacy has written about her experience of our photo session here (along with some eloquent thoughts on our changing stories). i can only add that it was a gift to work with her–ALL of her–not just the maternal part. she is delightfully bringing life into this world, in more ways than one. and i know she'll raise her little girls up to know what it is to be free.

enjoy the slideshow of this photo session here. turn your speakers on for the full effect.

AND, i could still use your help getting to uganda. we're so close. thank you doesn't even cut it. i promise it'll be worth it. no donation is too small. my friends and i have lovely things to give away to many lucky donors, too. you can donate by clicking on the chip-in button in the sidebar and everything you need to know is in this post.

Categories: connecting, creating, doorways project, experiencing, inspiring, mothering, photographing