6 March, 2010
i sit in the bathtub barely aware that all the water has
drained out. my heart is beating fast from the heat of the water, that whirring
sound is in my ears. my entire being is heavy with the gravity that only a
taste of weightlessness can bring. i haven’t been here in a long
time. here. in my body. in a moment. awake. and with it all. this awareness startles me, finds
me with those shuddering kinds of tears that we can only share with ourselves. i’ve missed me. i’ve missed feeling
free to be whatever i am-apart from the calendar, the plans, the barriers, the trappings. i’ve missed the knowing that i am enough. so much easier to believe the opposite. even now,
as i am moving deeper into my dream. even now, as i am taking more risks than ever before. i have been seeking validation,my
own, that i am really enough. that my pictures are pretty, powerful. that my
words suggest intelligence, or at least sincerity. that my heart is pure.
there’s effort. too much
fucking effort going into it. this is not freedom. i feel spread thin. i am tired. certainly that wasn't part of the plan.
and so here i am again. naked. breathing. sobbing. in a bathtub. with god.
ready to try a new way.