juliette preparing lunch. gulu, uganda. april 2010. www.cafwaafrica.org

there are a hundred things vying for my attention. probably no different for you. people that need tending. work unfinished. prayers to pray and phone calls to return. lists to write and food to make. a career to build and clients to satisfy. relationships that require restructuring, deep feelings and anxieties to process. a body to transform, pillows to stuff and a pile of laundry to fold.

the pockets of time i have to work my way through these things are minimal. and, honestly, when i find myself alone in my home (an absolute rarity in the summertime) all i seem to manage to do is to glaze over and turn to stone. the agendas become like a swarm of bees threatening to sting and all i can do is sit still and hope they come back to pollinate later. 

and then i remember juliette, the woman i spent my last day in gulu with. there is no room in her day for rest, for the concerns that i have. for  her, it is not an option to stare at walls.

i don't really want to go into the zone of examining self- indulgence in the privileged life. nor do i want to delve further into any guilt for being afforded the space to think these thoughts. i guess what i'm looking at is the belief i've held in the fantasy that a life built on creativity and passion can and should be easy. that all will fall into place as it should and that if it feels forced, rushed, or otherwise burdening, than there is something wrong. i'm struggling through it. i'm pretty sure it is all a matter of perspective, clarity, and paradigm shifts. and i also think it has a lot to do with avoiding my power. (thank you, danielle laporte)

i don't know. but today i think i need a day off to figure it out. or, at the least, to triage, organize, and sleep.

are you feeling any of this, too?