august break #9. monday me: tell me what you want.
coconut cake. day before yesterday. craving more.
could you tell me what you want? you. the one reading this. could you tell me?
so much of what i am hashing through right now is wound tightly with words like entitlement and deserving. i wonder, are you able to ask for what you want? ask and not feel embarassed? ask and not feel ashamed? indebted? ridiculous? greedy? needy? absurd and three years old?
do you preface your wants with “i know i don’t need this” or somehow devalue your desire?
my wanting wound is healing. granulating from the bottom up. but for now it is open. exposed. at risk for infection. needing to be kept clean and irrigated; and packed with clean, soft dressings.
the healer who played me songs (songs she knew i needed to hear and knew that i knew, without knowing, you know?) she asked me to start keeping a desire journal. a place to write down the wanting as it speaks. as i find the strong voice to speak it.
and so i thought, what better place to begin than here?
(present moment) desire list:
~chocolate
~happiness. the levity kind.
~a more comfortable chair at my desk.
~a massage. the no-elbows, but still strong, gentle kind.
~company. the cozy, easy kind.
~tea. the spicy, gingery kind.
~to be in morocco or india, sitting on a comfortable daybed. with a cashmere throw, lantern light, and someone playing the guitar. after the massage. and with the company and tea.
~to feel settled. risen. light.
~sleep. hours and hours of sleep.
~a planned vacation. somewhere warm. with water (the salty kind).
~my body strong and lean to best enjoy such a vacation.
~nothing to do.
~everything to do.
~a white sofa
~to sell everything and to live in a cave like the guy i saw in matala, crete, many years ago.
~a hot tub.
~a really big life where all these random moment wants are just the inkling of possible. a life that holds my bigness and one created and maintained by my connection with who i am. a life fueled by connection, beauty, and grace. a life that shows my children how very vital it is to know what they want. and that they deserve ALL of it. even the chocolate. but mostly the happiness.
(that was fun. i think i will try it again tomorrow. now, really, will you tell me what you want?)
- @acukiki bouncing it back, sweets. xx
5 hours ago - @socialbuzzSYV thank you!
5 hours ago - a little off today. unwelcome thoughts firing. twinges of unfriendly doubt. so it goes. a big deep breath and onward into humility and hope.
13 hours ago - @AdessoJewelry thank YOU for creating such beauty and for spreading goodness in the world.
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9 August, 2010
to be addiction-free…that’s where all my wants and desires seems to get tangled.
(chocolate can stay)
xo
lisa replied:
i want that for you, too. and, totally, keep the chocolate.
9 August, 2010
‘a life that holds my bigness’ YES!
and also my outsides to match my insides
the strength to make it happen
to know myself at my core
to let go of fear
to get rid of everything we don’t need
to find the perfect 2 bed flat near Parsons Green
to find the perfect job for me right now
lisa replied:
i see it all. and raise you beyond your dreams. xx
10 August, 2010
- an idea of which of my photographs to market (and SELL) on etsy
- the money to do 2 courses next year (both with guys called David) AND to fund another trip to squam
- to know in my bones that all of this is worth the effort
- to believe that everything has a reason for happening when it does – specially the bits that hurt and/or are scary as all get out
- a home by the sea
- to have less and BE more
- fairy lights in every room (oh wait, we have that)
- a manicure
- a convertible
- my tribe to be closer (geographically)
lisa replied:
i love that you have fairy lights in every room. and the rest is yours, too. i believe it.
10 August, 2010
Oh! My! A desire journal …
When I was 8 and wanted a long blond wig of my own but wouldn’t say so because I knew my parents had no money, my father taught me this: “Asking for what you want does not always mean getting what you want, but asking is always allowed.”
10 August, 2010
oops, I forgot to say what I want.
To visit Prague in the winter time.
To learn to write Arabic.
A massage once a week.
The A/C fixed in my studio/bedroom.
My sons to settle down and stop the stupid testosterone behaviors currently getting them into trouble.
To spend September – December living on the ocean in Maine.
lisa replied:
i’d like to learn to write in sanskrit. i hold your wanting and wish it all for you.
10 August, 2010
i like this a lot…
to swim freestyle and do a kick turn
to not self-sabotage my best efforts to be my best
to find a part-time job that pays better than minimum wage and isn’t in the 9-5 hours
to stop letting the second guessing win.
lisa replied:
second guessing is a cheat. never really wins. love your wants and holding that they are yours to have.
10 August, 2010
i want what i want to hold still, so that i can have it.
lisa replied:
what you want can meet you where you are, right?
10 August, 2010
I want…
to stop thinking I don’t deserve things
to stop being afraid of what I truly want
to be a successful freelance writer
to be still in my being and appreciate my journeys
to be out of debt
to pray more in the morning when it’s still
to eat and cook healthy foods to sustain my body
to have good skin
to be married
to stop crying while I write all this out for others to see because it feels so good to let go
to be happy
to be free
to be me
lisa replied:
you are so brave.
and you deserve every bit of this happiness.
i’ll claim mine and you claim yours. deal?
10 August, 2010
everyone is so brave to show their desires!
I want to be able to fully inhabit, feel, and take pleasure in all the good things that are already in my life.
I want financial security.
I want more ease and playfulness in my partnership. And a long, easy playful pampering journey together to somewhere wonderful…
Oh, my, there are lots of wants crowding in now that I’ve opened the door. a journal maybe is a good idea…
10 August, 2010
Oh to even start sharing this list seems like a step in the right direction! Thanks for posting and for inviting us to post!
I want and wish and open to receive:
*many opportunities to surround myself with children and their laughter and energy!
* a job that celebrates me and all of ME and my specialness!
* a job that truly pays and sustains me and my life!
* a new house or a newly remodeled house that celebrates and reflects my husband and my style and creativity!
* a meditation room!
* a comfy cozy outdoor living space where I can curl up with my journal, a book or a yummy drink and just BE! Outside in nature! My own little retreat in the city!
*to take a photography class, a pottery class maybe even a belly dancing class!
* to have the time and financial resources to spend time buying and finding wonderful things to redecorate my new house or my newly remodeled house and outdoor living space!
To these and the many more wants and wishes percolating I say ” Yes, please!”
10 August, 2010
I want:
to get out of the house quickly, not have to go through 100 steps to get to the car
to garden all year long
to sleep through the night, (not due to children, due to the 3:30 am monster that wakes me)
to go to England and see Linda
to allow this aging thing to be beautiful
lisa replied:
I LOVE YOU.
12 August, 2010
This is great, and the Bigness one, too, so resonated with me!
~to be in morocco or india, sitting on a comfortable daybed. with a cashmere throw, lantern light, and someone playing the guitar. after the massage. and with the company and tea.
I want:
- sponsors for the Summit to suddenly, joyously appear, and 50 more people there, too!
- I want the press trip after the Summit to get finalized and you and a bunch of other bloggers to come (for that time on the beach you mentioned)
- to sell everything I own except a few choice items and for that to happen easily in the next 8 weeks or so
- to find a way to earn six figures with more certainty and without having to take the job at the bank
- what I really want? A partner to live life with, a companion, a mate. Someone I can count on and love and who loves me back. That would be nice.
lisa replied:
i want all of this for you, too, rebecca.
sounds totally fair and deserved.
14 August, 2010
I just realized that your rss feed changed with your new site (which I love by the way). I thought it had been a while since you posted!
My desires right now:
- to see the work I’ve put into my photography business pay off, and for that to bring financial security
- to attend a photography workshop in Seattle next summer, and bring my family along too
- to sleep through the night (haven’t since my son was born- 18 months ago!)
- to spend a day at the beach
- to buy a new outfit that makes me feel beautiful
- to go on vacation
- to make a pie (and eat it too!)
- to have more open communication and understanding with my husband
- to feel at peace with myself and with God
16 August, 2010
less longing more laughing
less clutter more space
less fear more leaping
less criticizing more connecting
less shadow more light
lisa replied:
so perfectly stated. yes yes yes.