it is all here in my body. the knots, the folds, the burning in my belly and the coldness in my toes. i feel that squeeze in my chest– something that might be called fear, anxiety, ego, or excitement. again with the transformation. the changing, stretching, growing, assimilating. i feel wrung out. to be awake for all of it is a forever practice. an arrival in each moment, a timeline of stillness in motion. as i become, as i am, i find it hard to write anything. i find it hard to say anything of coherence, actually. the deep stuff, the stuff that really matters and is occupying all of my thoughts, when spoken seems to translate into either confusing inacuracies or oversimplified word stumblings.

it comes down to these questions: can i breathe love into this tight place? and will i be met there?

photo: anne and greg. october 2010.

always after a potent experience of travel and connection there is a sense that all will be lost if i don’t hurry to get it downloaded. the images, the voices, the new contacts and friendships. it is as if it all will never have happened if i don’t print, post, email, or tweet about it. this time, rather than hurrying to seal things, ride the momentum, and push through, i am called to sit in the clearing. to give some space to what has really happened this past week.

i knew that the european summit would be dynamic and engaging. i knew that i would be surrounded by interesting people doing interesting things. what i didn’t know was that i would be so at home in their company. i sat at tables with individuals that engaged parts of me that had been sleeping, and others that mirrored back the exact values and creative direction i am moving toward. i deeply believe that over the course of our lives, we unconsciously lay tracks that eventually line up to take us to where we need to be; though i also believe that we don’t always mine the clarity to see it. full circles, foundations, bridges, and, yes, doorways, can and do show up–but they are easy to miss. the summit was a place where i was able to realize, with better clarity, how this is happening for me. how the things i have studied, the work i have done, the skill sets i’ve honed, and the personal growth and passion that has awakened within me, are all being activated into the opportunities of this moment.

so as i work to suspend the motivation to rush into the download and pump out the networking, i’m putting my attention on breathing. on integrating. and on getting to the center of what it is i am ready to take on. i’m choosing to walk today, rather than phone my friends, re-design my website, and send out twenty queries for new project ideas. it is all coming. the tracks have been laid. i know who i am. i have a glimpse of what i am capable of and what i have to offer. now is the time to let the reality and depth of these new connections take form offline, to let the ideas assimilate inside, and to trust in the bigness, the potential to make change, in all of it.

more on the summit, and on the extraordinary people in attendance, next week. for now, let this image of marcella, summit volunteer, and mama lucy lend your imagination to the level of depth and exchange i was honored to witness there.

i have arrived in amsterdam for the european summit. already, a pre-event dinner with a lively group of change makers promises an eventful weekend. this morning i am thinking about children–my own, several time zones away sleeping soundly in their beds, and the nearly 400 who attend the school that mama lucy built in tanzania, in the space her chicken coop once stood.

there is so much work to do in the world. but what i realized, again, in the company of such dynamic and passionate people last night, is that there are great things happening and dedicated real people doing them. i am honored to be here and can’t wait to capture it all.

i am reminded that showing up is the first, and perhaps most important, part. in a new setting, and in the company of the admired, i  admittedly fret over what my my byline is, over how to best express what i have to offer, over whether i am tongue-tied and making a good first impression. and then i remember why i am here: to be present, to listen, to offer, and to collaborate. this event is about passion and doing the work that feeds the soul. that i know. and that i am showing up for.

photo: mother and daughter. omel. gulu, uganda. april 2010. cafwa.

i struggled with the common, the ordinary, and the rehearsed. the things that were supposed to happen and the things that felt perfunctory. i resisted because, like everyone else, i wanted to be cool.

but now, as i am having my personal experience of the thing we all share, because this is the transitional moment that is changing me, it is as if the world has changed with me; becoming simultaneously darker, contrasted, saturated, and bright. i can see my future self, transformed and aglow, but right now i am thick, stunned, grasping. i am the observer and the player and always cracked. i am paper-thin and weighted, old-wounded, and yet, still reveling in the miracle of my own tenderness. in my opportunity to know pain and loss and disappointment and fear, in my opportunity to feel connected and alive and goodness and grace, in my lavish opportunity to move forward, the futility of coolness has been made clear to me.

i’ve read a lot lately about initiations and callings. about phoenix processes and darkness into light. there’s also a lot of buzz about this time on the planet being particularly potent and intriguing; and it’s not the first time that’s happened, either. still, i have to agree with all of it. it is happening to me, inside me, and all around me. and what a waste it would be not to participate.

photo: agnes. community volunteer organizer in the village of omel. taken during a meeting of the cafwa sponsored women’s group Manyero Onyee. the woman in the back is a group member, and among the many who are HIV+ and suffering with TB.
gulu, uganda. april 2010.