i struggled with the common, the ordinary, and the rehearsed. the things that were supposed to happen and the things that felt perfunctory. i resisted because, like everyone else, i wanted to be cool.

but now, as i am having my personal experience of the thing we all share, because this is the transitional moment that is changing me, it is as if the world has changed with me; becoming simultaneously darker, contrasted, saturated, and bright. i can see my future self, transformed and aglow, but right now i am thick, stunned, grasping. i am the observer and the player and always cracked. i am paper-thin and weighted, old-wounded, and yet, still reveling in the miracle of my own tenderness. in my opportunity to know pain and loss and disappointment and fear, in my opportunity to feel connected and alive and goodness and grace, in my lavish opportunity to move forward, the futility of coolness has been made clear to me.

i’ve read a lot lately about initiations and callings. about phoenix processes and darkness into light. there’s also a lot of buzz about this time on the planet being particularly potent and intriguing; and it’s not the first time that’s happened, either. still, i have to agree with all of it. it is happening to me, inside me, and all around me. and what a waste it would be not to participate.

photo: agnes. community volunteer organizer in the village of omel. taken during a meeting of the cafwa sponsored women’s group Manyero Onyee. the woman in the back is a group member, and among the many who are HIV+ and suffering with TB.
gulu, uganda. april 2010.