belt sander, naked panes, and strangers looking in my windows. more in my driveway, with concrete and rebar and stone. i had to park in the back and come in through the garbage entrance. the dog is barking incessantly at the invasion of power tools, strange faces, and the telltale creak of the iron gate as they come back and forth, in and out, of the yard.
i close the curtains, light candles, put on the music, and attempt to pretend that all this isn’t happening. i initiate my new home yoga practice despite the unwelcomed renovation and disruption right outside. but the truth? i feel like i am in a fishbowl. vulnerable and pathetic as i am interrupted from my ugly cry in child’s pose to answer the door puffy eyed for the sorry man who needs me to turn the window cranks just a little more in the living room. it is not his fault. it is nobody’s fault. in a weird speech from the universe, i get it.
and so this is the way that i am beginning 2011. it isn’t all vision boards and intentions–yet. that would be so much prettier, but it just isn’t true right now. i am paying attention to what is happening in the present moment and, lucky for me, going to the bottom of shame and blame, feeling every last bit of it, is what is happening. it is as uncomfortable as a stranger looking in my windows, as disorienting as coming in through the garbage entrance, and as grating as the sound of a saw through stone. and while i spent a couple of days numbing with waffles and bad tv, seems those old patterns just aren’t what they used to be (or ever were). and so it is.
i had chosen a word for 2011: passion. only when i looked it up, i found that the word passion had its root in a greek word that meant “to suffer or endure.” i’m not a fan of anything linked to suffering, so, instead, i am taking on a new word; well, two words actually, wished for me at my birthday by a good friend. the definition i love for “wild abandon” is “unrestrained freedom of action or emotion. to surrender to one’s impulses.” i really like the sound of that.
unrestrained freedom sounds mighty good right now.
happy 2011. may it be what it is. and may we show up with wild abandon, for all of it. something tells me that this just might be the ticket to boundless abundance and dreams coming true.