this morning i am made aware of more storms. places where the sky is dark and violent funnels of air are touching down and carrying safety away. i feel the pull to unease. to the unsettled and taunting what if. my head feels foggy, my body heavy and hollow at once. i am undeniably a woman today.

there is a familiar riling up in my belly. desire? wanting? knowing? agitation? more hunger? i welcome it. there will always be doubting thoughts, loving thoughts, fearful thoughts. there will always be thoughts.

there is a way of being that is beyond the seeking of relief. heart and gristle side by side. it has to do with compassion, kindness, allowance, and forgiveness. the stuff that those buddhists, saints, and yogis have known all along. i am comforted by the predictability of the process. by the understanding of turning away and turning back. i am comforted by the truth that humanity and happiness are a duality that can, indeed, coexist. and that the relationship between the two relies only on softness and embrace.

softness and embrace. even when perched like a crow on a palm in the hot desert sun, heavy and hollow, riled and hormonal, there is the possibility for softness and embrace.

As for kneeling and kissing The dust of that doorway, I will keep doing that. ~Hafiz

photo: joshua tree. april 2011.

this is where those quaking moments, shattered,

knees on the wet grass, mud under the fingernails,

the gasping and the pleading,

finally make sense.

where the heart storms, secrets are burned,

and, despite despair, the possibility of it not having to be so damned hard becomes obvious.

this is now.

ghosts at the back door,

candles lit,

and white.

this is edge, maturity, and nothing.

this is movement, joy, and writhing.

this is where the foundation meets the sky.

where the work meets the dream.

and where the love meets everything.

photos: the lovely korakia pensione in palm springs. so perfectly my style that it hurt.

i’ve had a problem with righteousness. i can get caught in the head-stuff of rules and ways. i spin and spiral around evolution and enlightenment. i’ve been known to judge and assume. and in all of this, i’ve sacrificed my own happiness for the “higher good,” for some other, better, more whole and mighty, state of existence that i am sure to fall short of.

i’ve spent a lot of time hollering at the stars. i’ve pillaged my own life and my own psyche for dirt and treasure. i’ve left my body and my heart over and over again, only to miss the sweet and the light. because the sweet and the light was never out there.

so i am found in a moment of splendid irony. one with tragic stories of humanity flawed and beautiful inconsistencies; and errant, but mighty, intentions.

one where the universe serves up the unexpected, the nonsensical. where the mirror is turned back, and where the only righteousness there ever was is revealed: love.

“…Let me begin this time knowing the world is grinding and sighing all night, and dawn comes slowly and changes nothing.” ~phillip levine

photo: chinatown. nyc. september 2010.

words overused in the past nine months:
grip, gripping, hunger, loneliness, fear, pain, fire, edge, grieve, release, pattern, ego, betrayal, story, suffering, anger, hard, bruised, rage, ragged, escape.

words i wish to now overuse:
new, clear, love, loving, loved, present, alive, awake, now, pleasure, beauty, connect, joy, satisfy, astonish, lit, soft, open, courage, flame, heart, seen, here.

thank (fucking) god for spring. none of this magnificent new life is lost on me. let the wild abandon persist. always.

photos: santa barbara happy hour(s). summertime in spring.