(in no particular order)

i am exquisitely grateful, open. the citrus candle lit, the red chai steaming, the kirtan playing on the speakers. all these things that make me who i am. scent, sight, tangible. a lover and in love.

the gang was awakened, the inner chorus of critic, shameful child, jealous competitor. i don’t remember inviting them, but they’ve had their way these past couple of weeks while my body made some extra white blood cells to deal with yet another viral insurgent. they’ve made me want to eat cake, watch horrendously unintelligent television (i won’t even tell you), and feel like there are no original thoughts in my head. nothing i have to teach. name callers, they are. fraud. less-than. unmotivated. not nice. i’m doing my best to resist them. and to embrace them.

i’m processing a beautiful shoot for adesso jewelry’s sorellina spring 2012 line. inspired by santa fe, this collection just may be my favorite yet (i say that with each one). the shoot was exhausting. a very hot day in the elements, but totally worth it. i learn with each one. this time the lesson for me is to trust the shot. go deeper. and to tune out the conversation in the background. i’m social and i love to connect. it is hard sometimes while shooting to not want to participate in the chatter, especially when there is a fabulous group of people around that i rarely get to spend time with. but i’m better when i get quiet. i can tell the shots from each look when i went in. and they are the good ones. maybe even great.

i’m wanting to get back to the mexico project. i’m working to get the hours of audio transcribed while sorting out the stories and the images. a good friend reminded me that many of the best stories (think hemingway) were written after many years of absorption. i’m okay with a month or two.

daily green juice, no coffee, no sugar, no gluten, no alcohol. that’s the current food regime. i’m going for wellness. radiance. vitality. i feel tremendously better. more clear. it is not absolute, it is intention. and there is room for pleasure when i want it.

my son is in his last year of elementary school, my daughter a sophomore in high school. they are both thriving, vibrant, sweet humans. fall comes with melancholy, promise, long shadows and new routines. we’ve glided in fairly easily this year. family dinners, especially soup nights, bring me joy.

many people i know are suffering. and simultaneously awakening. i can almost see their chests opening and their bones making blood. i witness how difficult it really is to turn compassion toward the self.

time with quality people. ending each day in my lover’s arms. waking up there. the autumn sun. persimmon season. possibility. healing. finding new muscles in my body and in my heart. rhythm. cycles. kissing goodnight. ocean views and mountain solace. time. plenty of time to cultivate happiness. now. all of it is happening now.

photo: on my not-coffee break yesterday. iphone. september 2011.

i am once again surrendering to the obvious. to the low energy and deflation, to the will of my wise heart telling me not to push. i’ve been resisting for days, really weeks now, since returning from mexico. sitting idle at the computer when what i know i need to do is to sit with intention, empty, at my altar. feeling guilty that i’ve yet to put more of the mexico project out there, but also knowing that i can’t do good work when i don’t feel well.

there is a total rewiring happening inside of me. my body is manifesting all the aftershocks of half a decade spent in uncertainty, in a restless push and pull with big growth-spurts and energy expenditure. all i want to do is to rest, eat well, rest, be in nature, rest, meditate, rest, exercise, rest, be with my family, rest, be with friends, and rest.

it seems to be all that i can do to get my people out the door and back in again. to stir and chop and fold and carry. the fatigue i feel has me fearing i will never feel vital enough to accomplish all that i want to, or , worse yet, that i will disappoint all those who’ve supported me and look forward to seeing the work. and the wise one somewhere deep inside me knows that if i just let go and be with what is, tend to the feelings and sensations that are living now, that this wave will crash.

the wise one also knows that being on a cleansing diet, drinking lots of green juice, returning to yoga, and tapping into all the wellness resources i am so fortunate to have available to me are the sure path to riding this wave with the most grace and ease. and, ultimately, that the images and stories waiting to be shared will get the care and attention they deserve once i have the clarity to give it.

and so i keep learning. again and again. compassion, kindness, and all that good stuff. pacing and the time it takes to be well. that i have the choice to open, and to close, the doorways of permission and expectation. the goal always was, and remains to be, freedom.

photos: in Carlos’ orchard. Copper Canyon, MX.  August 2011.

i am thin-skinned and slippery. thrown down by the ghost in the cross-walk and stunned into contortion and compromise.

i am no-sense and without words of comprehension, human and forgetting.

i am not tough. i am not able to sustain prolonged periods of cavalry and command.

i am water and wimp, softness and salve. i want for peace, strong arms, and a soft wool blanket.

every time i go away, every time i stretch myself, i am humbled by how long it seems to take before i can feel the ground again.

it takes many brief reminders, like the glancing of fingertips, to feel, in my body, where i belong.

photo: siblings in Fajardo. August 2011.