it is raining. i wish everyone could be here with me, in this warm home, quiet, together. i plan to walk in it soon. maybe go to a yoga class. maybe not.

i’m waking up in a state of unrest most days. unsettled and unsure of what it is that happened in my subconscious during the night. no memory of the story that played out, just the residual feeling of “off.” but then i put my hands together, he tenderly kisses me and pours my coffee. i make my way to the front step where i just try to sit still. breathe. watch the sky, and my self, as we shift into daylight.

there is deep sadness in my community right now. a beloved man has left too soon. i didn’t know him personally, but i consider his wife both a mentor and friend, and i know of their family to be the kind of people that we all aspire to be. loving, committed, passionate, kind, real. they are a treasured part of the middle school that my daughter attended for three years, and that we hope for our son to attend next year. as is said, there really aren’t words. it is just tragic and sad, and my heart breaks for them. send them love, please, and make time today to look your people in the eye and tell them the truth, ok?

there is a shift coming in the way that i want to work in the world. when i first started blogging, it was about finding my way. there was a lot of honesty, and it was in that transparency that i felt connected. it was sort of revolutionary. and then i launched a new site, did some more projects, stretched in different directions. i want to return to what it was in the beginning. just me. in service to beauty and connection. maybe it will be so subtle that you won’t even notice. but i will.

as half-written verses tango with the editor inside me, i long every day for more ease. grace.

my dreams are changing. they are as far as they are near. istanbul and in this chair. no matter, i want to know me. know you. and celebrate what is here and there. i don’t want to try so hard, and lose it all in the effort. and i don’t want to hesitate when what i really want is to embrace. maybe i just want to be home, no matter where i go, without question as to whether i belong or deserve. maybe i just want to relax.

so often it feels trite. repetitive. the same. there are only so many ways to say it.

poignant, static, crashing.

shifting, solid, opening.

all of it, now.

and always.

Ultimately, it comes down to the question of just how willing we are to lighten up and loosen our grip. How honest do we want to be with ourselves?
~Pema Chödrön

photos: morning instagrams. @doorwaystraveler