i feel disarmed, wound, unsteady. maybe it is the longer shadows, the back to school, the slightly more caffeinated half-caff. there is that haze in the head, that overwhelm at nothing in particular, that urgency for the intangible.

i don’t know why this comes. nor why, when it does, that i feel compelled to resist it. why is it that when my body begs for sensory respite, my first thoughts are of all the ways to complicate my day? my mind invents ways to busy, creates lists of things that must be done.

it is a curious thing to unravel the habit of avoiding what is most wanted. what is most needed.
it is even more curious that the ideal of responsibility has somehow become synonymous with self-denial.

it is clear that i need more of this today: quiet. nature. nourishment.
sometimes the well empties quickly and needs to be refilled just as quickly.
again with the no apology. again with the remembering. again with the listening. again with the knowing.

As you become conscious of the different parts of your personality, you become able to experience consciously the forces within you that compete for expression, that lay claim to the single intention that will be yours at each moment, that will shape your reality. When you enter these dynamics consciously, you create for yourself the ability to choose consciously among the forces within you, to choose where and how you will focus your energy. ~Gary Zukav

it is about the willingness to touch.  it is about “i see you” and “i’m here.” it is about creating new language that can translate our offerings. and it is about infinite love.

it is about throwing it all off, becoming naked and new. it is about clean and solid and green.

it is about kneeling, adorning, and devotion. it is about timelessness, breath, and the beyond.

it is about light, freedom, and, of course, joy. it is about space, finding, and listening.

in the summer of 2009, i wrote this. i glued it in a book and took it with me to india. at the time, i felt an insatiable hunger for it to become true. i knew it to be real and possible, but had no idea how it would take form. this past week in big sur, i was able to see, clearly, that it has become so.

beauty is our birthright. our longings lead us to love.

and we are meant to gather.

with all my love for you, and yours.

The real story comes from a love-source that cannot be understood with intellect, but known only as a person is known. ~Coleman Barks

images taken at the esalen institute, during the maiden voyage of matrilumina. sincere thanks to my friends pixie, maya, and christine for creating, holding, and being.

i haven’t had the desire to leave for a very long time. no desperate longing for foreign and anonymous. instead, the hunger is for layers and routine. for the near and the close. for the world to come to me.

i know not to bank on any one moment’s desire to be anything more than fleeting. but i also find it interesting that i am feeling so comfortably rooted to place, to the rhythm of bed-making and breakfast.

when i chose the word EMBODY for this year, i foolishly thought that it would be mostly about my body. instead, it has been about an internal transformation–one of actually knowing ease and grace as a real experience. it has been about breaking through the glass ceiling of what i had previously determined to be my own limits. it has been about feeling, in my body, that my thoughts, emotions, questions, and dreams, are safe.

the physical transformation has now begun. i had to become comfortable, present, in what is here before i could change. i had to love every extra bit before i could let it go. i had to see the muscles beneath the flesh.

and so it is that i can start to move again. i have found my way back to yoga and to my running shoes. i will soon be packing my bags and feeling more comfortable in my clothing. i will be stronger, more vibrant, more of myself.
but only because i have been with all that is here. stayed, loved, and let go.

the curious paradox is that when i accept myself just as i am, then i can change. ~carl rogers

ps. you may notice that this site has had a little re-design. i’ve added a mailing list sign-up and i would love it if you would join (this is different than subscribing to the blog-posts). i will be sending out occasional letters with news, introductions to people in my community that i think you would like to meet, and other opportunities for us to connect. and, of course, your email will not be shared with anyone else. it’s just between you and i. much love.

i am owning this life, this body, as subtly it changes, sinks and settles.

i do not apologize for the view, the invitations, the sweet pleasure of time.

i know that i am here to help you with the same. to offer legitimacy to what is longed for. to witness what is already there. to know beauty as a birthright.

i remember what it felt like to be free.
and my soul’s purpose is to find the doorways back in–for all of us.

may you never doubt the gifts you bring ~john o’donohue