6 February, 2013
i have a fascination with carcass and decay. i am intrigued when i can see what is inside. winter’s veil amplifies the urge–as my own inner world gets caught in the grey undertow of fear and illusion, i am lured to excavate.
my work in the world right now is within myself and with my family. it is breakfast making, errand running, peace-keeping, college touring, and navigating the stresses of ambitious teens. i am the wing-woman. i am the mother. i am the wife. i am the supporter and forgiver and believer. i know in the deepest part of my guts that this is where i am meant to be right now. i am better, my family is better. long ignored parts of me are healing with each day that is focused on simplicity and surrender.
but still, i remember the thrill of sitting on that dusty floor in india and of finding and meeting the global community that i became a part of. i fear having lost it. i fear being left behind or forgotten or, worse, being wasted potential. as i sit with my anxious demons, i feel these waves rise up. i question my choices and i wonder if i am underestimating my capacity. but then, i toss myself into the possibility of peddling my wares, deadlines and proposals and accountability to others, and i feel myself seize up inside. i know this is the time to root into bone, for stability and blood-making. and yet, my faith is challenged.
what there is time for in my life now is the depth and discomfort of introspection. there is time for the real lived experience of breath and betrayal, of intimacy and idolization. i have a relationship with my own inner compass in a way that i have yet to know in a life of seeking and distracting, ashrams and incense; of being both student and teacher. i am getting to know my transverse abdominals, my ugliest terrors, my truest dreams. i am lonely often. i am afraid often. i compare and judge often. i am triggered often. i feel vapid and shallow and empty often. i am pathetically insecure often. still, strangely, i am feeling more right, more at home, than i ever have.
not so strangely, one of the greatest solaces for me is here, on this page, with you. this is where things unbind, where grip is released, where curiosity leads to language, and eventually to more freedom inside. i tell the truth of my story as best i can, allusion and metaphor protecting those i love. i am so grateful for those of you who come, who take the time to write, who see something of themselves in what i share. it is true that we all just want to be seen and heard, for our lives to matter. i hope that what i do here, little though it may be right now, helps you to know that you are seen.
and in return, i am not asking for anything.
i currently have nothing to sell, nothing to give away, no course or book or retreat or offering.
i really look forward to the time in my life and in my body that will allow for these things.
but for now, i just want to know that you are out there. that we are living in grace, together.
Can deter or distract me
From keeping the appointment I made
So very long ago
To create heaven on earth
~From Waiting Room, by Jill Lurie