often now, i really do feel whole. embodied. well.
i can own the innate, the wisdom, the sacred self. i can close my eyes and feel the vast expanse and my part in it. i know that i have something to offer, to inspire and to teach. i love well and feel that love returned.
and then, like a freight train on schedule, comes the tiger chase: the anxious clench, the foreboading, the alone, the separate, the too-much, the not-enough, the hurt, the rejected, the betrayed, the uninvited, the unhealed, the un-fixable. the vulnerable and ashamed, grasping for sweetness and comfort.
and close behind the tiger are the thoughts: the ones that nag sucker-punched, left behind, misshapen, unsightly, unsophisticated, fraud, weak, addicted, powerless.
the tiger and the thoughts have historically lead me to one place: defeat and discomfort in my body and disconnected from my spirit.
i have spent much of my inner life allowing the tiger and the thoughts to render me demoralized and lost, clinging to long-ago established habits of soothing and hiding, and stuck on the wheel of purgatory. and while i don’t believe it realistic that the tiger nor the thoughts will ever completely leave, i am beginning to tentatively assert that i can finally let go of the power i have handed over to these forces. i am ready to let go of the story that says i will always be broken.
over the past couple of years, i’ve come to know the chemical imbalances in my brain and body that feed the tiger and the thoughts. i am making peace with cortisol, serotonin, and progesterone. what has been difficult to believe, is that i can truly feel alive and well in the way that i long to. i have been overwhelmed by the advice and methods and treatment plans and diets and medications offered, to the point of feeling, again, defeated. today, i feel like i am tapping into my own wisdom and beginning to trust that i, alone, can discern what path to take toward restoring balance in my mind and body. more than that, i am coming to know a trust in myself , a loving and compassionate trust, for perhaps the first time in my life. while this faith in myself to be the healer of my own body is cautious and not yet fully rooted, i am hopeful and strengthened in a way that i perhaps have never been before.
i believe that i can deeply nourish and heal my body into a form that feels strong, vital, beautiful and sustainable.
i believe that i deserve to be the full expression of who i am.
i believe in and wish to fuel the fire in my belly, my heart, and at the base of my spine–connecting me to my loves, my community, my calling, my teaching, my true.
Know, oh beloved, that we were not created in jest or at random, but marvelously made for some great end.
This post is part of the Let it Go Project: a collection of stories leading up to a beautiful releasing ritual, hosted by Sas Petherick on the 30th of January. All the details for this free event are here. And you can take part! Be inspired by other posts in this project, and share what you are ready to let of of on the Let it Go Project Community Page!