art by Penny McKinley-Rodgers.

Chip-In to Doorways::Uganda and you could be the recipient of an original print.

It is quite a thing to share one's dream. To have it seen. And then to have it supported. In cash.

I'm stunned, humbled and beyond grateful for what has already come in to support the Doorways Project. My friends told me this was possible. That others would be interested in what I want to do. In how I feel I can contribute and pay it forward. And they were right.

I don't take any cent of these contributions lightly and I am already feeling the collective intention behind this trip. We all want to connect. We all want to show up and witness first hand what it is to walk through doorways and to experience less suffering in our lives. We want this for ourselves. And we want to help others to have it, too. We want to see good things happening in the world. We want to see women who have been hurt, badly, experience joy and empowerment. We all want  to have the means to sustain ourselves, and our children, with pride and without fear. We want to believe that we really are all the same.

When I read Brené Brown's post on worthiness this week, these are the things I thought about:  It is so easy to see the worthiness in those "other", "disadvantaged" and "foreign." What I want the Doorways Project to do, is to inspire you to recognize the sameness of our yearnings. We all want to be free. We all want less suffering. We all want the opportunity to know who we are and what we have to give. We only have to find the door. Have it held open for us by another sometimes. And to offer the same in kind.

We are all worthy of the chance to walk through doorways to greater freedom in our lives.

You have shown me this with your support. And it is my intention to show the women served by CAFWA the same. I have no doubt that they will show me a whole lot more.

My heart breaks and leaps when I think about what is ahead. I am not pretending to have done this before. To have been somewhere and sat with women who have experienced the kind of atrocities that the women of Uganda have. These are the kinds of unthinkable things that fold into long and complicated stories of pain, struggle, and loss. But they are not the only stories that have to define these women and their families. While I am realistic and reverent toward the stories of death and devastation that I know I will hear and see in the faces of those I will listen to and photograph, what I hope to capture is the future of possibility that CAFWA is striving for. That and the basic human desire to be our fullest as women and as mothers that is the same no matter where we are.

So, again, I thank you. I am more than half-way through the doorway to Uganda. Support me in my dream so that I can support another woman's dream. And, together, we'll use our gifts to open doors for the dreams of women who need our help. 

And…guess what? More of my generous friends have offered beautiful items to add to the donor giveaway.

Check it out. Everything you need to know is in this post.

the feeling is there all the time. owing. the checks and balances of give and take. have i said thank you enough? do they know how grateful i am? have i offered back, in equal measure, what i have received?  it is a constricted feeling attached to receiving that sometimes darkens the whole exchange. it comes from inside. and it is getting ready to die.

i know that i am not alone in this. i hear it often, especially from mothers. that there is an unspoken construct that shadows their walk in the world; one that dictates that for everything good that happens, something good is owed in return. that for every "break", indulgence, gifted moment of solitude, we are left with something to "make-up" for. and so limits are set. we impose self inflicted restrictions on how much is too much to take for ourselves: how many nights away, how much money spent (or earned), how good we are allowed to feel. for me, it used to bleed into just about any aspect of self-care; to any time or resources i took just for myself. whatever it was, the relaxation or restoration i received in the moment was almost immediately negated by the feeling of debt i was left with.

while there is much less of it in my psyche now, this feeling still persists at a very base level. and i know it comes down to those bottom-dwelling fundamental ideas i have about worth. and shame. and greed. and the kinds of ugly that we don't like to show one another. it has also become blazingly apparent that this is one of those barricade sorts of doorways that is really ready to be busted down. because it stands in the way of freely experiencing pleasure, of valuing my own contributions, and of my worthiness itself.

i'm pretty sure that there really isn't a master spreadsheet up in the heavens keeping track of all that flows. and even if there was, my guess is that it is all balanced perfectly and that it is up to us to trust it. so that's the ideal i'm leaning toward. and i'm thinking that somewhere in this faith is where truly free abundance is found.