there are the people with whom we have relationships with that are sustained simply because of proximity, history, and habit. the ones that might leave us feeling depleted rather than filled, badgered rather than buoyed. then there are the ones that engage and rapture. the ones that base themselves in a willingness to show flaw and foundation, rawness and revelry, and serve to reassure us that we are ok. these are the real ones. the ones that offer belonging. the ones that show us ourselves. the ones that will always default to the truth that we are inherently good. the ones that see beyond our limitations and know our potential–and that want for us to get there.

i was surrounded by some real ones this past week in london. my daughter was able to meet them, too. centered around the wedding of sas and ash, our travels were filled with generosity, beauty, and raucous laughter. sas, susannah, leonie, emma, penny, jo and megg have already posted about the main event. it was all that and more. timeless, elegant, relaxed and refined. tear jerking and honest. witty and, again, real. and in the company of these women, and their men, i felt elevated. welcomed, fit, and home.

the rest of our trip was spent touring about castles, palaces and abbeys. shopping regent street and seeing war horse (amazing). we shared bbq (and then some) with the newlyweds, the wise’s, and the dynamic canadian/brit duo. we slept soundly in the chic quarters offered us by leonie and nic, and we finished our travels with a train ride to bath and a fabulous lunch with sus.

i am home now, ready to enjoy my man and my family, plant an herb garden, and prepare for my next documentary project (mexico-next month). everything with the intention to keep it real. and in the company of only the real ones.

this morning i am made aware of more storms. places where the sky is dark and violent funnels of air are touching down and carrying safety away. i feel the pull to unease. to the unsettled and taunting what if. my head feels foggy, my body heavy and hollow at once. i am undeniably a woman today.

there is a familiar riling up in my belly. desire? wanting? knowing? agitation? more hunger? i welcome it. there will always be doubting thoughts, loving thoughts, fearful thoughts. there will always be thoughts.

there is a way of being that is beyond the seeking of relief. heart and gristle side by side. it has to do with compassion, kindness, allowance, and forgiveness. the stuff that those buddhists, saints, and yogis have known all along. i am comforted by the predictability of the process. by the understanding of turning away and turning back. i am comforted by the truth that humanity and happiness are a duality that can, indeed, coexist. and that the relationship between the two relies only on softness and embrace.

softness and embrace. even when perched like a crow on a palm in the hot desert sun, heavy and hollow, riled and hormonal, there is the possibility for softness and embrace.

As for kneeling and kissing The dust of that doorway, I will keep doing that. ~Hafiz

photo: joshua tree. april 2011.

this is where those quaking moments, shattered,

knees on the wet grass, mud under the fingernails,

the gasping and the pleading,

finally make sense.

where the heart storms, secrets are burned,

and, despite despair, the possibility of it not having to be so damned hard becomes obvious.

this is now.

ghosts at the back door,

candles lit,

and white.

this is edge, maturity, and nothing.

this is movement, joy, and writhing.

this is where the foundation meets the sky.

where the work meets the dream.

and where the love meets everything.

photos: the lovely korakia pensione in palm springs. so perfectly my style that it hurt.

How

Did the rose

Ever open its heart

And give to the world

All its

Beauty?

It felt the encouragement of light

Against its

Being,

Otherwise,

We all remain

Too

Frightened.

~Hafiz

photos: boulder, colorado. december, 2010.