2 April, 2009

can’t force it.

can't force wit, insight or brilliance. can't strong-arm romance, creation or miracles. can't make a moment of clarity happen, can't out-think divinity.

i know the experience of such things comes through surrender. i'm working on that this morning. on laying it all down, breath by breath, like i've done so many times before. trusting that there's a current to ride, something buoyant to grab hold of and wondrous eventualities that i can't begin to fathom right now. saying hello to that knot in my belly and setting it down next to the gentle flame and the rose cut fresh from the garden.

Categories: experiencing

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1 April, 2009

a good day in ca.

two kids and a mom cruise to the city of angels on a fine spring tuesday. no traffic. kid robot and vintage on melrose. fontina with dried fig at the farmer's market. celebrity sightings, cheap clothes and old postcards with paintings of pomegranates. franz west, warhol and koons' bright metallic blue giant balloon animal at LACMA (and children who say "I love museums!"). tar pits and tall escalators. lemon coconut cupcakes and the short time in the year when the valley hills are verdant green. breezy sea grass, sunshine glitter on the ocean, NPR on the radio and that good kind of tired.

wanderlust satisfied for another day…

Categories: experiencing

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30 March, 2009

hindsight.

photo of me, taken by my husband

we took a trip to see the wildflowers on the carrizo plains a couple of days ago. in short, it was probably our lowest moment as a road-tripping family. it was shameful. there was whining, yelling, short-tempers and agitation. and it wasn't just the kids. we even had to pull over to "talk". we tried really hard to make the best of it, sort of, but none of us were able to rally our best selves. we were disappointed. it wasn't what we expected. we wanted lush, this was desert. we wanted to frolic in purples and oranges, but there was only yellow. what a lesson in how expectation and emotion can overshadow the perception of what is right in front of us. because now, as i look back at this photo, in hindsight, what i see is breathtakingly beautiful.

Categories: experiencing

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28 March, 2009

now i become myself.

i woke up this morning thinking about this poem. it's probably been blog posted a thousand times before (though being new to this whole thing, i haven't seen it). then again, i suppose the good ones are. and it's on my mind today.

Now I become myself. It's taken

Time, many years and places;

I have been dissolved and shaken,

Worn other people's faces,

Run madly, as if Time were there,

Terribly old, crying a warning,

"Hurry, you will be dead before—"

(What? Before you reach the morning?

Or the end of the poem is clear?

Or love safe in the walled city?)

Now to stand still, to be here,

Feel my own weight and density!

The black shadow on the paper

Is my hand; the shadow of a word

As thought shapes the shaper

Falls heavy on the page, is heard.

All fuses now, falls into place

From wish to action, word to silence,

My work, my love, my time, my face

Gathered into one intense

Gesture of growing like a plant.

As slowly as the ripening fruit

Fertile, detached, and always spent,

Falls but does not exhaust the root,

So all the poem is, can give,

Grows in me to become the song,

Made so and rooted by love.

Now there is time and Time is young.

O, in this single hour I live

All of myself and do not move.

I, the pursued, who madly ran,

Stand still, stand still, and stop the sun.

-may sarton

Categories: Uncategorized

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can’t force it.

a good day in ca.

hindsight.

now i become myself.

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categories

connect

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